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Aug 29, 2004
Don't waste you time on me your already the voice inside my head, I miss you

Over the past few days i have been really thinking about my time in high school.......i have done a lot of not so good stuff but then again i have bcome half of the person i have always wanted to be. aI really miss some of the seniors i used to talk to sumtimes.  I miss the kid i liked even though i really shuldn't.  He was so mean to me an i mean i didn't do nething to help that but it dosn't matter.  I mean i was over bearing an i did talk to him a lot and i just culdn't accept that he had a g/f i mean i do now but i wuz sooo immature.  I'm growing up now an i am happy for that but my past just eats me alive.  I haunts me everyday all the shit i have done to get me into trouble all the things that have crossed my mind......o god the things that have crossd my mind.  I have though about just the most horrible's kinda hard not to say i'm a psycho...i don't want to be one it's just it always kinda come out and it hurts a lot.  I have tried therapy and it worked but i just culdn't get that demon outta me......there wuz just one thing i culdn't get id of.  I never spoke if it bcuz i didn't no how to.....  i didn't want to end up in butler or like a mental institution.  God i gotta get rid of this it's like a sickness that no matter how hard i try to repress it no matter how hard i  try to hide always comes up..  am gonna let it all go...... i keep having these thoughts of how bad wuld shit really hit the fan if i did this or like how creepy wuld it b if i said this how much crap wuld i get into if i did this..  Once i thought wut if sum1 i knew got their nipples pieced an i went over to them one random day that they talked abo0ut their piercing an shoved a dollar down their shirt......wuld they ever talk to me again.. once i got yelled at by my boss an i wut if i wuz dumb enough and ungreatfull enough and rude enough to call her a bitch even though i deserved to get yelled at.  Wut wuld she say? wut wuld she do? how wuld she talk to me afterwards?  Once i thought to myself that wut if i did sumthin so bad that i got fired from work? How wuld my co workers treat me? How wuld my dad treat me? Then one time i thought when i wuz out with my friends wut if i were really just using them?? how much of an asshole thing is that to do? I culd never do that to them though...i can't live without ant....even if i just get to talk to him online. and cherish an melissa and barry too god i just spill my guts to these people where wuld i b without them??  How much more different wuld my life be if i didn't go to saint thomas?? What if i didn't learn all those lessons and learn all that stuff?? How many friends wuld i really have?? Wuld i be dead?? ok well i ahve to go outside now but i will write more later.........bye bye

Posted at 01:05 pm by ZeppelingirlZ

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